Having sex is supposed to make us feel fulfilled, happy and close to our partners. But sometimes performance anxiety gets in the way of this. Performance anxiety has become one of the greatest obstacles in the bedroom; sexually and emotionally. Both sexes can experience it. Men may worry about getting it up or prematurely ejaculating. Women may be concerned with their body image or the fact they can’t reach orgasm. Sexual concerns and performance anxiety are common, so we need to start talking about it.
Common Symptoms
It’s far more common than you think – in fact, most men will experience erection problems at some stage in their life. Performance anxiety is a specific anxiety which focuses on the potential failure to perform sexually and the perceived disastrous consequences. So instead of thinking erotic thoughts during foreplay or intercourse, you may start thinking about how awful it would be if you couldn’t perform, how it would reflect poorly on your masculinity or femininity, what your other half would think, and so on.
Premature ejaculation and a failure to maintain an erection are the most common symptoms of male performance anxiety. If it’s happened only occasionally it may well be tiredness, stress or alcohol that’s to blame. If it occurs more frequently, an appointment should be made with your GP.
What Can Trigger Performance Anxiety?
The main cause of anxiety is from the high expectations we face within our culture – this is due to the porn industry’s unrealistic display of sexual encounters and how the media portrays the actions of couples in the bedroom. So maybe you think that a man must maintain an erection for a prolonged period, or that a woman must orgasm every time. We set ourselves up for performance anxiety by pushing ourselves to reach expectations that are often impossible, or too difficult to reach. We view sex as goal-orientated, where erections and orgasms are the be all and end all of our sex lives. Not only are these expectations hard to live up to, but they work against the very nature of what sex is: an immense pleasure enjoyed by two people.
Other triggers include:
Worries about penis size
Concerns about premature ejaculation
Worries about not being able to orgasm
Relationship problems
Poor body image
Stress and workload
Depression
Sexual boredom
What next?
There is a lot people can do to work towards managing their anxiety around sexual performance. From cutting out life stressors to regular breathing exercises to mindfulness techniques – there are plenty of techniques that can help decrease anxiety and promote calmness and confidence.
Communication is also important. A major part of performance anxiety is the fear of what others will think of you, especially your partner, if you fail to perform. You may fear that your partner will find you less attractive, will have less respect for you, or will stop seeing you as a ‘real man’ or ‘real woman’. Talk to your partner about these fears, even if they don’t help put your mind at rest, your partner will be aware of the situation and can offer support where needed. You cannot control what others think of you, but you do have considerable control over your sexual experience, so work through any issues you have and learn to enjoy it again.
There are also toys that can help. If it’s size that’s getting you down, a strap-on or penis extension might be the way forward. A strap on simply refers to the harness, and nothing else. These come in four different options for you to choose from. First time strap on-users should look for harnesses that have cushioned or padded straps for added comfort, we recommend Fetish Fantasy 8” Strap On (€ 45.93, kinky.ie). A strap-on will not only boost your confidence – they’re kinky, fun, and they free up your hands so you can stimulate multiple areas at the same time!
Penis pumps are another option. They are external devices that are designed to increase the blood flow to your intimate area, stimulating instant growth, increasing sensitivity, and prolonging your erection. There are a variety of pumps to choose from, just make sure that the vacuum has a limiter that keeps the penis pump’s pressure from getting too high, like Mojo G-Force Electric Pump (€91.87, kinky.ie).
